It is often the case that when I plan to write something, much of them would be eliminated from my thought. The other day I read from somewhere a sentence that perfectly fitted into my attitude toward life. It was vaguely written like this " the quality of your life is determined by the degree to which you pursue perfectiveness."  , Once I used to doubt whether I am driving myself too hard and dreaming too big. The sentence had truly confirmed my belief that it is worthwhile to make some arduous commitment to your dream so that you won't fall into total regret in your old age.

       It is about the time for me to console myself with all this effort I've made and determination I've been insisted. I can simply say," Man proposes, and God disposes."

 

      我不知道自己现在算不算“作”，每天让自己的神经紧张，原本睡觉质量超好的我，竟然经常怀着恐惧和不安入睡，同样地醒来。。。妈说可能随她。其实我可以很轻松，很惬意，租廉价的房子，买电动自行车，买sony-ericsson的手机，可是这些似乎远不能满足我的贪欲。是的，有多少人就是这样，因为要求过高而不快乐，而我却恰恰常常因为这种源源不断的希望而感到生活的乐趣；我想，倘若没有这些希望支撑着我，我会彻底地不快乐，彻底地垮掉。现在没有上网的时间，那对我来说未免奢侈，等我好好地拼这两个月，或者3，4个月，再回来看这些时，会无比的欣慰。我相信这不久就会成真。成功者总是孤独的，也正是因为他们成功，因为人们的艳羡而孤独；而如若一个人的心里是无比丰富、富有的话，是永远都不会真正孤独的，因为有希望。

       在这最心酸的日子里，写下这些，算是孤独者途中给自己的一针强心剂吧，希望它能伴我走到成功的彼岸。

       Fighting!!!

     Having been back home for a couple of weeks, I, after a very short period of satisfying interval, start feeling enormously bored and uneasy and upset and misgiving... Word accumulation only generates a worry of lack of vocabulary. Not having implemented a lot of plans and a determined passion to persist with them, I am truly at a loss for what the likelihood I would succeed the very next time. Perhaps I should consider taking a trip by myself just for the purpose of temporarily hanging over all the appehension for the outcome. When I am home, a profound realization of the terrible change of the world often attacks me with the vivid reality: my middle school classmates having been married on an out-of-blue basis and borne a baby, numerous skyscrapers having erected on the newly-paved street of Jilin city, the costumes in the department store can occasionally catch my eyeballs and I don't even think they are worse than those in Qin. Quite often a sense of warmth and closeness prevails, but a stronger sense time and again defeat that feeling, it is ambition again maybe. I don't belong to this city, maybe even this country. Such considerations may sound absurd enough, but it is a dorminant in my heart, at least for the moment. Of course there are things which have never changed: Father is still struggling for a stable but not better life in his motormobile, the home is still so messy, grandma is still so torturing, Mother still haves to take care of the son-abandoned grandma...whatever is taking place, I am always cherishing a hope in my deep heart that everying will be better.

There was a whole day blackout  yesterday. The daytime with the absence of electricity doesn’t seem to be any abnormal or unfavorable, but when the dusk is falling down and the things in the room as well as everywhere outside begins to fade away from your sight, a strong sense of fear and loneliness will become overwhelmingly strong in your heart. This is especially true when you are alone. That is what I had vividly felt yesterday from the dusk to the midnight.

Darkness tends to prompt the thinking of things that are long forgotten and ignored. For the purpose of shying a way from the strong fears, I turned on the radio, which served as a loyal companion to me before but has been long ignored since I had access to the internet. Suddenly, I developed a sharp regret for my little radio. Such a feeling reminds me of the origin of buying it, when I was a freshman, having an ardent affection for English and was determined to understand the news broadcast on BBC. Back from such reminiscence, I was aroused by the “earthquake” program. So many people lost their lives, supposedly, in a horrible darkness like what I am suffering now. Thinking of this, I began to imagine that if I were in the earthquake, what I should do and think first. Like those young heroes, saving their fellows from the verge of death, or escaping by myself? Cherishing the old times that I spent with who and who? Who is who? I wonder? As I lay on the bed, listening to the more and more remote sounds from the radio, I began to feel sleepy but still couldn’t fall asleep. Sleeplessness really tortures…

Such a power failure of yesterday night offered me a good chance to cherish the lovely brightness I am enjoying right now. I would try harder to read more and learn more with the presence of light. Above all, don’t neglect the value of what you own and realize its importance until you lose it. That is probably the best lesson I learnt during the blackout.

 

Having watched the movie “pursuit of happiness” (translated into Chinese as “when happiness knocks on your door”), I was, just as many other people who had ever watched it, deeply touched and inspired by the leading actor “Chris”. In a country like America, life is extremely hard for the poor, especially for the black poor. Chris, a strong-willed but without a decent social status, has to struggle with the incessantly emerging difficulties and obstacles in his life. Many people in this fiercely competitive world choose to succumb to the various hardships they meet rather than fight off them, But Chris by no means belongs to that class. Like a worm treaded upon by the ruthless rich and the cruel society, he tried every means to struggle out of the adversities and reach out for the happiness of himself as well as his son’s, with profound perseverance and, of course, outstanding intelligence. Such two factors also constitute the final happiness he has been pursuing.

Oftentimes, I would consider whether happiness must be obtained invariably with arduous efforts and severe solitude as the exchange price. “You get a dream, you have to protect it”, when Chris solemnly told his son with these words, some sound seems to echo in my ear. People, who hold remarkable dreams and ambitions in their mind, in many cases, would meet with mockeries, suspicions, and even jealousies. So people who firmly believe that their dream will one day come true have to face up to enormous stress in the course of struggling. Actually, the only thing worthy of fear is fear itself. No one else can defeat you unless you give up on what you do. People who want to achieve success should prepare themselves for a life in solitude, in weariness and in boredom, for few achievements are accompanied by applauses and acclamation before they are really realized. When people around us, well-intentioned or ill-intentioned, may persuade us into forgoing what we are engaged in, it is a time to test our will and capabilities. What we need to do is bear in mind what we are going to reach and how we shall distinguish ourselves from the mediocre. Apart from that, we need to take concrete actions rather than make our pledge a blank note. Only though this way can we attain the happiness we have been longing for as our ultimate ideal.

I am, as a matter of fact, far from among the ones who are able to adapt to any adverse circumstance without any favorable conditions. I am far from like those who see being alive with their mouth enough (not delicately) fed and the most basic physical need met as the top priority. To me, living, dignified with my highest ideal realized, is what prevails. That’s why I cannot endure to live in the upcoming slum-like staff dormitory located on the attic of SCIENCE SUPERMARKET “endowed” by the majestic college authority. What I can only say is “Oh, your majesty, thank you so much, but I’ don’t need that.” I am by no means a waif dog that has to beg for food in exchange for the right of living.

In Chinese there is a proverb, “穷则思变”, I might as well comprehend it as “ Change or you’ll die.” You can never find anything more astonishing and ridiculous than seeing a COLLEGE TEACHER living in a ghetto-like dormitory. Of course, here “college teacher" should be prefixed by “so-called”. China, for a couple of decades, have been advocated “尊师重教”, which means revering teachers and putting education in the first place. Right now here, in this uni as well as its inferior college, such a motto serves undoubtedly meerly as words rather than deeds.

Whatever, after all, I have every reason to strive out of here. I can never live in such a slum. I’ll spend every penny I earn to rent a decent house to allow me a good environment to study in, thus to change the current condition. “To adapt to it if you cannot change”, as some hypocritical ones told me to, is absolutely nonsense. Leave me alone!

 

It is a presumptive concept in my mind that every satisfying outcome of victory is bound to have some tormenting adversaries leading the way. Such an idea derives probably from my painful experience in the failure of the first high school entrance examination. I have always assumed myself far from a girl so lucky to gain something rewarding without paying any price. On the contrary, every fruit I gain have to be paid a heavy price. Admittedly , I’m not among the most unfortunate, because , I believe , I can always reap what I sow , sooner or later, rather than end up in vain. That’s why I have always borne in mind my goal without ever thinking of giving it up. Recently, some sorts of disturbance showed up so abruptly that I felt smotheringly depressed to face up to them. It is consoling, however, that I tend to distance myself from the crowding nuisance, with the strong belief of the destined final triumph. Sometimes it is so suffocating to keep silent that I’m inclined to burst into a screaming cry to relieve myself from those repressing emotions. A couple of trifles happen recently so funnily and ironically that they simply serve as catalyst to strengthen my faith in leaving here, which is definitely not a place I belong to. Literally, I don’t like being secluded from the crowd mitigating all the time. The point is, only through this way can I seek some internal calmness to allow some rationality as an indispensible impetus to move forward.

Keep silent before you are distinguished from the mediocre. That’s all that I can do in the darkness before the magnificent SUNRISE looms. P.S. thank you my darling, you are my tenderest company whenever i feel lonely.

相信公主会等到她的白马王子

     终于到了6月1号了，终于可以名正言顺，理所当然地不要塑料袋了。每天都要到超市买上点东西，可是那收银员总是很自觉地给装在塑料袋里，我真是“盛情难却”啊，可是心里却是极度的不愿意。有那么几次实在不愿意接受塑料袋了，便自己随身携带若干。可是结款时发现自己像个“异类”，好像很做作，说了一声“我这里有塑料袋”，装上东西便灰溜溜走了。心里自我解嘲道，我是环保主义者，我管那么多。现在收银员问起“要不要个塑料袋啊”，终于可以“自豪”滴说“Of course not!",当然还是用中文，嘿嘿。

     我们坚决不要塑料袋，做个时尚的环保主义者吧！儿童节快乐！

       In this cozy summer day, I manage to find another impetus and interest to devote myself to books, which make me fairly relieved. However, in recent days, I cannot still help watching the Korean soap opera, p.s. it is not a totally meaningless rubbbish like most others. It is about wedding and the acquaintance between the two leading roles. It fills me with an intense aspiration for true love with someone who is destinied to be my prince. It gererates in me a cozy and gentle delight.... How beautiful life is! By the way, Jane, I have to remind you that you have more than 10 books to read before u finish your planned ambition, so watch out and work hard!

      嗯，喜欢刘翔，还要说理由吗？也要加两句的啊。那么多体坛明星，影视明星，为啥就喜欢翔翔呢？其实最吸引我的地方是他发自内在的自信和傲气，其他的，比如体育技能等，其实姚明等很多人都具备的，并不是什么differentiator. 其实翔翔也有失利和低谷的时候，可是他不会显出丝毫的焦虑；面对媒体和翔迷们，他会坦然地说，我尽力了。就是喜欢他这一点，不顾虑别人对自己的评价，只要无愧于心就好。所以，即使翔翔在2008年没有得到冠军，我还会一如既往地喜欢他。喜欢那举手投足间的自信，喜欢他的搞怪坏笑，喜欢他的正直和爱国正义感，喜欢他讽刺日本媒体的犀利，喜欢他，还用更多理由吗？

 

 

 

           It is the first time since I was born to experience the profound grief for the multitude of death in the national disaster. The 5.12 earthquake really carries on every one's heart. People at each level and in all walks of life are deeply concerned about the catastrophic calamity. We Chinese people have demonstrated remarkable solidarity, courageous detemination to face up great difficulties and outstanding intelligence. When I saw the apprehension on the face of Premier Wen, I had a strong move to sob. With a premier like Wen and so many Chinese patriots, the quake is nothing but a arduous test that will vanish soon. I'd like to pray for the dead to live well in the heaven and those surviors to cherish their bliss of surviving and life to come. Bless you,China.

          又一个婚宴。小时候喜欢参加婚礼，能看到新娘子，花车，放鞭炮，吃好吃的。可是那时却很少有人请我们。 现在倒是很多，却不再感兴趣了。讨厌那些例行公事。没办法，人生就是这样，要做很多自己不喜欢做的事情，要和讨厌的人强颜欢笑，要为没有意义的事放下姿态去争取，要和不会让自己心动的人结婚......很多人就是这样过了一辈子，被动地适应生活。我做不到，真的做不到。跟静静说，30岁时如果没有事业有成，就自杀。她总拿这个做笑柄。死有什么可怕，比起平庸地做生活的奴隶，得意人光环下的陪衬，死何尝不是一种高雅的选择？今天吃苹果第二天。痛苦自不用说，看到婚宴上那些平时自己的最爱--排骨、四喜丸子，我丝毫没有动摇。佩服自己的定力，可怜的自尊。是的，精神的颓废比什么都让我感到恐惧，我不能让自己胖，要让自己好看，自信，骄傲。不管别人怎么看，我要完美，那些必须拥有的完美。幸福没有定义，它只是一种标准。在我看来很可怜的人，他们确实发自内心的幸福。我感觉纯粹的幸福的时候不多，可是追逐幸福的过程本身就很幸福，即使要付出很多艰辛。我不能适应生活，那样我会疯的。这些日字总是贪睡，觉得睡觉是很幸福的事。不打算再这样。是的，梦想是不能等的，要紧紧跟随。自己一个人拎着一袋苹果坐着公交车回来。落寞，任性，安静的思考。

          For the next four days, I'm going to carry out the "only-eating-apple" plan, horrible to hear, but even more horrible to try!!! It is really scary in that after 4 days  I will become extremely irritated and hard to control. No choice, however! I hate fat, kill them!! Keep me off!!! Stay away from me!!! Leave me alone!!! So those bony girls keep me off too, so as not to be cold-eyed!

        It's another Monday noon and as usual there is a whole afternoon of classes. I should have been taking a nap so as not to be tired. Only awake. I am trying all means to make some changes with the purpose of being able to invigorating myself. It will really work? I made up myself, althought too awkward to do so, to turn up with a new look. Having too little sleep last night, i can still keep awake, not awaring what I am doing. Just enjoy the advent of another summer day or reflect on the memorable bitter-sweet past?  The graduation day is approaching, I think that is one of the reasons why I am so melancholic. Two yeas have drifted past and if there is indeed any subtle changes in my way of dealing with vagueness, it would be worth the second and hours writing all this.

       No more once more, this is the last beginning, I hope. Tired of preparing for the meaningless exams, BUT I have to, to stand myself in a good stead for the dreams. I hate making unimplemented plans, I hate doing nothing to change, I hate indulging myself into succumbing to the existing unsatisfactory circumstances, I hate looking into the mirror mourning for myself. I hate everything that generate pessimism and frustrations. I am at sea now, a sea without boundary sometimes making me horrified for the overwhelming torrents. With the passage of time, I find myself realistic, which I doubt to be the demonstration of cowardness and apprehension. I have leanrt to read and try to reward the warmness of obscure affection I had never wanted. I am at sea about how I should live my life, a life of indistinctive mediocrity or a life of unique splendor. I am trying hard to wave the oar of my lifeboat to eacape the peril of giving away my unswerving determinations. May god bless me!

         April 28th,happy birthday to jiongjiong. In the most obscure corner of mind, there is always a date deeply engraved. 4.28 is not to me, at least for now. Days have been spent like water, the sense of guilty grows up to passive adaptation. I know i won't indulge those evils capturing my soul. I sincerely beg for one day when sky clears and that long-lost ambition rejuvenates. There is posibility that needs for physical survival conquer spiritual aspiration for the realization of high dreams. Anyway,it is not supposed to occur on me. Yes, life is too short to lose. I have been taught too much about the value of living rather than being alive. The pleasure of life lies in its constantly emerging challenges and the vast variety of options, so do the tortures brought along with that. We are born not merely to live, but to live beyond our own imagination. I made that my belief.